Holiday

There’s nothing better than a holiday!

Imagine this.. you’ve had a full day of swimming ,sunbathing and giggles. The fun is still shining and you go into your hotel room to get ready for dinner. As you open the heavy door ,your feet touch the cold tiles ,the sound of the ceiling fan buzzing in the background as you take that relieving breathe of the cool air.

You have a shower and sit down to do your makeup whilst your family showers. You decide to sit on the balcony to do your makeup. You listen to the birds chirping and the kids giggling as they make their way out of the pool to go back to their rooms. You hear the final few splashes of water for the day and smile at the memories you’ve made that day. The smell of sun cream and shampoo fill your room as everyone is readying to leave. You put on your favourite dress and look in the mirror at your curled hair and natural makeup. You reach for a cold bottle of water from the mini fridge and put it in your little bag.

Giggles and smiles fill your heart with joy as you leave your room for an evening of fun. You wonder what things you may get up to tomorrow and your family debates whether you should walk to the beach early morning or lay in and relax around the pool. You think about what you may eat at the restaurant you’re walking to in your noisy flip flops.

Oh what I would do to be on holiday at this very moment!

Dodie x

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Stress (helpppp)

As a teenager I struggle to deal with stress. I also never like to mention that I’m stressed ,especially to adults as they always end up comparing their stress to my stress, which ends up with me sounding like an ungrateful twat.

Everyone always thinks that their stress is much more important and hard to deal with than mine. I agree that a teenager like me has stresses which are completely different to an adults and are not particularly important in the long run ,however I do think that there’s a whole scale of stress.

I’m so stressed as I’m writing this to the point where I can’t even think straight. At the moment I have two main things which are causing this unending fear. I have an important drama exam this coming week which my group is not prepared for in the slightest. I won’t bore you with the details but basically we are struggling to go through the whole 10 minute piece smoothly including set and costume changes.

I’m also incredibly stressed as I have to finish my photography coursework within the next three weeks however don’t have the right software on my computer. I then have a million exams to revise for after the Easter holidays. Aghhhh!

To an adult that may sound minor compared to their issues HOWEVER to someone like me who’s biggest stress in life has been whether or not I’m allowed to wear heels to a party , this is A LOT to deal with.

Do you have any tips for dealing with stress or perfecting a drama piece please let me know in the comments it would be much Appreciated!!

Dodie x

Today

Today I saw my childhood bed dismantled in my dads garage.

I’m not sure why this has hit me so hard. I think it’s the fact that that bed carried me through such hard times. It was my safe place.

When my parents split up the first thing I did was run to that bed and I sat there crying for hours. That very night I fell asleep in that bed with tears streaming down my face.

Two years later it was time to move ,my mum couldn’t afford for us to live there anymore since my dad left. So my parents fought over my things like an auction. Deciding who got my wardrobe and who got my bed. My dad got my bed.

I had to sleep on a mattress on the floor for almost 5months because he took the bed frame as soon as he moved to his new house with his girlfriend. What was once my safe place became a mattress in the corner of my room. Next to me as I fell asleep were marks on the wall from when I was younger. Each mark held a different story.

My dad never put my bed frame back together. He took it so that he could feel like he’d won a fight between him and my mum.

Today I saw the bed frame dismantled in his garage. I stared at it. Wondering what went wrong. How could I have gone from jumping up and down with my parents on that very bed , laughing and smiling… to staring blankly at it in a garage. In a house that I can’t call home.

What once was my safe place is now a mess in the garage.

Dodie x

Open-heart surgery

This time next week my step mum will be in hospital. This time next week my dad will be by her side. This time next week she will be better. This time next week she will be ‘fine’. Right? Because that’s all that anyone seems to say.

She’s having open-heart surgery yet everyone acts as if it’s not a big deal and there’s nothing to worry about. Of course , when I leave there’s tears and fear. As soon as I re-appear everything is once again sugarcoated. Because I’m young. I ‘don’t need to worry about something like that’. It’s not something I’m angry about. In fact ,I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the pure trauma my step mum and Dad are going through. Does that make me selfish? That I don’t want to have the stress of an ill family member. I simply put it to the back of my mind and say that I’ll think about it later…. but I never do.

Scars. Emotionally and physically. She will have to live with for the rest of her life.

My step mum has caused my family so much shit. She can be an awful person. She ruined my childhood. I’ve been through enough to know that things can change dramatically in a matter of seconds. It’s a scary thought to consider when talking about an operation. So I shut the thought down. I avoid the topic.

Some may call me dramatic or that I’m making myself the victim of the situation. And I’d have to agree.

Dodie x

Dull

I can’t help but feel disappointed. I don’t know what it is but I know that it’s there. I think I’m disappointed in myself. I can’t seem to make any funny jokes that people laugh at. I can’t seem to laugh at the right times. I want to tell my friends about it. How I don’t fit in. That they all seem to have their perfect friendship groups and I’m on the outskirts of each one , looking in. I’m the person that doesn’t really matter and if I’m missing, there doesn’t feel like a gaping hole in the group. If anything when I’m not there people feel at ease. I make it awkward. You must be reading this , barely understanding what I’m saying. It’s just a mixture of sentences strung together.

I crave someone to love me. I want someone to miss me. I hope for someone to notice me. Amongst the crowds I’m just another face. Dull.

Dodie x

A white Christmas?

It’s almost Christmas ,and I couldn’t be happier. My brothers birthday is in December so he is VERY negative about celebrating Xmas until about 6 days before, which doesn’t work well when you live in a small house. I turn on the Xmas music and approximately 60seconds later a stroppy 18year old comes slumping down the stairs to turn it off. However since his birthday has just passed he has a little more Xmas spirit but still won’t admit it until 6days before the actual day of Christmas.

Today it’s been snowing up and down Britain and reaching the lowest temperatures of the year however of course where I live we have the frightful temperature but none of the pretty snowflakes settling on the ground. Nope. Just a bit of rain and a few odd snowdrops that melt away as the hit the floor. Snow is one of the most beautiful things in life and anyone who disagrees is just pure stupid. The way it flutters down and meanders in the wind. It transforms the dull lamp-posts into glittering white icicles. Rooftops glisten as the sun beams down and children dance around in bright winter coats. Family’s are bought together and don’t even get me started on the potential fun that show brings. Snowball fights, snow-angels ,sledging down hills ,days off of school ,hot-chocolate ,a roaring fire.

But nothing would top a white Christmas this year. Imagine it. Waking up in the early hours and opening your curtains to discover a sheet of snow across your road , coating the cars and trees. Wrapping up warm to open your christmas presents followed by a morning stroll with your family in your very own white winter wonderland.

If there’s one thing I’m asking santa for this Christmas, it’s a heck ton of snow!

Dodie x

Where I’ve been…

I’ve not blogged since September. I’ve not answered your emails. I’ve not read anyone’s blog. I’ve not been ok.

I’m not sure why but I fell out of love with blogging. When I first started I found it excited and loved interacting and writing about how I felt even if no one read it. But when School started again I was overwhelmed with work and talk of GCSE’s. I began doing these OCD things where I couldn’t sleep because I needed to check the oven was off and my windows were shut. I still do that. A list of about 10things I have to do before I go to bed. It took over my life. I would sit at school dreading going home because that’s where I do my ‘OCD things’ well that’s what me and my mum call them.

I also have intense anxiety at the moment and yes it’s ‘self-diagnosed’. Each evening I grow anxious of going to bed because it’s a constant struggle to clear my mind of all these worries so last night I opened up to my mum about it. We sat down and I told her that I’ve been constantly anxious and I’m worried that I’ll never stop doing these weird ocd routines. We spoke for about 30minutes. My whole body was shaking , my voice was weak and my cheeks were stained with tears. She asked if I wanted to talk to my doctor about it and I said I don’t know. Because I don’t know. I have no idea. I’m only a teenager. Deep down I think I do want to though, before it grows into something more serious I want to talk to someone professional. Anyone in fact. I dream of being able to get rid of the stupid thoughts in my head.

No one ever talks about having these kind of problems. It makes me wonder if I’m the only one. I want to talk to my friends but I don’t want them to think I’m dramatic. I want to talk to my doctor but I don’t want to make it serious. I want to make it all go away.

Dodie x