This time next week my step mum will be in hospital. This time next week my dad will be by her side. This time next week she will be better. This time next week she will be ‘fine’. Right? Because that’s all that anyone seems to say.
She’s having open-heart surgery yet everyone acts as if it’s not a big deal and there’s nothing to worry about. Of course , when I leave there’s tears and fear. As soon as I re-appear everything is once again sugarcoated. Because I’m young. I ‘don’t need to worry about something like that’. It’s not something I’m angry about. In fact ,I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the pure trauma my step mum and Dad are going through. Does that make me selfish? That I don’t want to have the stress of an ill family member. I simply put it to the back of my mind and say that I’ll think about it later…. but I never do.
Scars. Emotionally and physically. She will have to live with for the rest of her life.
My step mum has caused my family so much shit. She can be an awful person. She ruined my childhood. I’ve been through enough to know that things can change dramatically in a matter of seconds. It’s a scary thought to consider when talking about an operation. So I shut the thought down. I avoid the topic.
Some may call me dramatic or that I’m making myself the victim of the situation. And I’d have to agree.
I can’t help but feel disappointed. I don’t know what it is but I know that it’s there. I think I’m disappointed in myself. I can’t seem to make any funny jokes that people laugh at. I can’t seem to laugh at the right times. I want to tell my friends about it. How I don’t fit in. That they all seem to have their perfect friendship groups and I’m on the outskirts of each one , looking in. I’m the person that doesn’t really matter and if I’m missing, there doesn’t feel like a gaping hole in the group. If anything when I’m not there people feel at ease. I make it awkward. You must be reading this , barely understanding what I’m saying. It’s just a mixture of sentences strung together.
I crave someone to love me. I want someone to miss me. I hope for someone to notice me. Amongst the crowds I’m just another face. Dull.
It’s almost Christmas ,and I couldn’t be happier. My brothers birthday is in December so he is VERY negative about celebrating Xmas until about 6 days before, which doesn’t work well when you live in a small house. I turn on the Xmas music and approximately 60seconds later a stroppy 18year old comes slumping down the stairs to turn it off. However since his birthday has just passed he has a little more Xmas spirit but still won’t admit it until 6days before the actual day of Christmas.
Today it’s been snowing up and down Britain and reaching the lowest temperatures of the year however of course where I live we have the frightful temperature but none of the pretty snowflakes settling on the ground. Nope. Just a bit of rain and a few odd snowdrops that melt away as the hit the floor. Snow is one of the most beautiful things in life and anyone who disagrees is just pure stupid. The way it flutters down and meanders in the wind. It transforms the dull lamp-posts into glittering white icicles. Rooftops glisten as the sun beams down and children dance around in bright winter coats. Family’s are bought together and don’t even get me started on the potential fun that show brings. Snowball fights, snow-angels ,sledging down hills ,days off of school ,hot-chocolate ,a roaring fire.
But nothing would top a white Christmas this year. Imagine it. Waking up in the early hours and opening your curtains to discover a sheet of snow across your road , coating the cars and trees. Wrapping up warm to open your christmas presents followed by a morning stroll with your family in your very own white winter wonderland.
If there’s one thing I’m asking santa for this Christmas, it’s a heck ton of snow!
I’ve not blogged since September. I’ve not answered your emails. I’ve not read anyone’s blog. I’ve not been ok.
I’m not sure why but I fell out of love with blogging. When I first started I found it excited and loved interacting and writing about how I felt even if no one read it. But when School started again I was overwhelmed with work and talk of GCSE’s. I began doing these OCD things where I couldn’t sleep because I needed to check the oven was off and my windows were shut. I still do that. A list of about 10things I have to do before I go to bed. It took over my life. I would sit at school dreading going home because that’s where I do my ‘OCD things’ well that’s what me and my mum call them.
I also have intense anxiety at the moment and yes it’s ‘self-diagnosed’. Each evening I grow anxious of going to bed because it’s a constant struggle to clear my mind of all these worries so last night I opened up to my mum about it. We sat down and I told her that I’ve been constantly anxious and I’m worried that I’ll never stop doing these weird ocd routines. We spoke for about 30minutes. My whole body was shaking , my voice was weak and my cheeks were stained with tears. She asked if I wanted to talk to my doctor about it and I said I don’t know. Because I don’t know. I have no idea. I’m only a teenager. Deep down I think I do want to though, before it grows into something more serious I want to talk to someone professional. Anyone in fact. I dream of being able to get rid of the stupid thoughts in my head.
No one ever talks about having these kind of problems. It makes me wonder if I’m the only one. I want to talk to my friends but I don’t want them to think I’m dramatic. I want to talk to my doctor but I don’t want to make it serious. I want to make it all go away.
Crushes are the worst. They’re called a ‘crush’ for a reason ; because they crush your heart.
I’ve never had a crush like me back. I’m kind of used to that and it’s ok. I might think they’re cute but it doesn’t mean they have to like me back. However this past week my crush has been messing with my feelings <— sounds like a 7 year old. But it’s true. He’s been stringing me along , asking me to sit next to him, sending me kisses , ya know all that typical crush stuff. I finally thought that for once in my life , my crush liked me back. It was going so well ….
We have photography class together and there’s a ‘photography group chat’ on snapchat. My crush (who we’ll call Brian for privacy reasons) mentioned that he had a crush and so everyone was like ‘omg who is it!!!!’ He wouldn’t say but he said we could try and guess it. The whole evening he was giving us clues and basically describing me so when everyone said OMG it’s Dodie he replied with ‘I’m not even gonna tell you if you get it right’. He didn’t deny it like the rest of the people we guessed. Anyway , the next day comes along and we have photography class, I sit next to him like last time and everyone’s trying to guess his crush. Then someone said ‘is it dodie’ , he replied with no they’re not in this class.
My heart sank. Yes, I’m only young but boys are a big part of high school. I sat on silence. Everyone was crowders around him guessing and I just sat there looking forward. I didn’t guess again. I couldn’t bare to look at everyone else, last night I want to bed convinced that he liked me back …. to this. After a few more guesses everyone went back to their computers to edit their photos. It was just me and him. I think he could tell that it had hurt me but I tried to act as happy and normal as possible. I laughed at his jokes. I helped him with his work. He helped me. Normal.
But then… when we got home something else happened. I opened up the group chat to see that he has said ‘you guessed guessed it right earlier but I didn’t want to say yes infringe of everyone , If you guess it right this time I’ll say yes’. I jumped up and down and screamed I was so happy. It must be me I said . It won’t be me I said. But it could be me I said. I had no idea. Everyone was guessing and I couldn’t bare to type , I just watched and waited for someone to say Dodie….. they said it. I put my phone down. I wasn’t physically able to look at his response. After 2 minuted I plucked up the courage to look and of course he said ‘no it’s no one in this class’.
And that’s that really. I know now not to get ahead of myself and at least I definetly know he doesn’t like me back and that’s fine. I’ll get over it becuase he’s just a high school crush. And this way our friendship can’t ever get ruined, well , unless something else happens. I haven’t messaged him since. I’m too scared to be lead on again. And maybe he didn’t lead me on at all. Maybe I was looking too far into it.
Email me if you want to talk?
I miss a lot of things. I’ve never been good with change and I’ve had a lot. I miss how everything used to be. It was so simple. I only cried about silly things like my mum not playing a game with me or not letting me have another biscuit. Now I cry becuase my mums depressed. I feel alone all the time. My grades are dropping. Everyone thinks I’m annoying. I can’t win.
It’s like as soon as something good happens , something bad has to happen as well. I don’t think people realise that I know what they say about me. I hear the rumours. I know you don’t like me. I know people are fake.
It’s my birthday next month and I can’t even get excited because I’m worried about so much stuff. I’m stressed to say the least and I’m only a teenager. I try and tell people but they only pretend to listen. I write on here because no one sees it so there’s no one that can be fake. I wouldn’t dare tell my friends. I cry all the time. Well actually I don’t. I want to let it all out but I can’t because I shouldn’t. I’m so ungrateful and I’m just waffling now because I don’t know what I’m thinking. I can’t think straight. Everything’s just one big blur.
Please email me if you know what I’m going through? : firstname.lastname@example.org
Ok , a lot happened today. Two things happened today the I’ve been waiting for , for three years. I always imagined what it would be like and I imagined if being the best day of my life.
I’ll do the less serious one first. My best friend finally joined MY school and left her private school !! <—- that was quicker than I thought.
But the best news in the whole world ever ever ever happened today !!!!!! So , my brother has refused to talk to my Dad for 3 years because he cheated on my mum and I’ve felt like a peice of me missing for 3 years. It’s harder than people can possible imagine , knowing that your brother doesn’t have a father figure to look up to, and I had to go to my dads by myself every other weekend. It was so lonely. The loneliest I’ve ever felt, just three years of pain. My dads reached out to him multiple times but my brother has ignored it every time. But today something changed.
My brother was walking home from college when my dad drove past and saw him. He pulled over and asked to talk to him. In the past that’s happened before but my brother would walk away and pretend not to hear him then get home and lock himself in his bedroom and not talk to anyone for hours. Today though , today something changed. My dad pulled up and my brother got in. He sat there , my dad looking at him in shock. He was expecting rejection. They talked. They talked for ages. They talked about how they missed each other and my brother was finally ready to forgive…… finally.
It’s truly amazing. I was starting to loose hope and accept that I would have lonely weekends and have to deal with having a sad and lonely dad all by myself. I’m young. I can’t do that. And I don’t have to. Not anymore.
So why isn’t it the best day of my life. Why do I feel so…. empty. At first I felt happy and grateful and I still do. But something inside me is telling me not to be. To worry. But I’m not going to. It just hasn’t sunk in yet. And that’s fine. I’m happy. My brothers happy. My dads happy. That’s all that matters!